... but for some reason i typed a name into a search engine....
of the very first guy i ever loved....
but don't get me wrong, it was that immature
love you get when you are 16-17... not really
understanding shit about life... but wanting
to be all grown up.
well shit happens when you are dumb like that.
bad shit..... really bad shit....
do you really love like that? at that age?
i thought i did.
i thought i'd do anything for this bastard.
ooops! i let too much out.
so yeah, he's a cocksucker....
cocksucker #1, i guess you could say...
being the first cocksucker on my list...
but then again, there were others before
him.... but none that i 'liked' like THAT.
i would have done anything had he just asked....
but that is the stupid kinda shit you do
when you are young and dumb and not familiar
with the real world or real happenings...
or how people really are....
vulnerability?
no.
just a learning experience, i guess....
of the bad kinda way....
why did i have to learn with him??? why not
all those other countless bastards that
didn't mean shit?
on second thought, why the fuck did he mean
anything to me in the first place?
i really don't know.
he truly wasn't anything of the type of
guy i thought he was... i guess i was majorly
delusional or some shit...
i just picked him to be my first love....
... that cocksucker
he treated me like shit 90 degrees to nothing...
and i let him. i WANTED him to....
so fucking stupid.... i damn myself....
our history is somewhat interesting...
even when i think about it, as if i were an
outsider to the cataloge of events...
but when i bring myself in... and remember
that i WAS apart of those things... i become
bitter in memory... and wholly PISSED OFF!!!
er... so anyways...
i typed his name into google... not expecting
to find anything...
but i did....
i had known him for a few years... and then
a year after we 'were going out'... yeah right...
things happened.... those terrible things...
and it all comes flushing forward again..
to my brain... when it possessed me to
search his name...
and i see that the story picks up where we
last finished... and he is still in the navy...
and now in italy... his birthplace...
his hometown....
and my feelings are somewhat bittersweet...
some vacant, marshmallowy closure on a past
that never had any.... significance...
and i see his email address... which happens
to be on yahoo... and i research his profile...
and see that it was updated ten days ago...
somewhere in that far-off, crumbling italian town...
and i see his picture....
and he looks the same... but somewhat different...
not like i remember...
he's dressed in his navy blues.... crisp and
clean and all that gawd-awful jazz...
with the fucking american flag and everything...
and a big, fat, gay navy hat sitting on his
cherry head....
it is a skewed image against the person
i once knew....
his hair wasn't so short... i used to love
his hair especially... as it was somewhat
long (for short hair)... and it was dark
with fire inside...
his face wasn't so smooth either...
though he was always clean-shaven... it
certainly wasn't so neat... but that was ok
his eyes are the same....
i always liked them. a very weird color...
they looked really cool in the sun...
and yet... he's still just as scrawny as ever...
still just as weak-looking... knowing i
could easily kick his ass if i wanted to...
and i stare at this picture... this foreign
image... of someone that apparently i once
knew a long time ago.... familiar and distant
all in the same breath....
and i somewhat remember his voice...
listening to him speak italian to his mother...
how we listened to REM 'automatic' over and
over and over... as i was there when he
bought it... he was so excited...
or staying up late to watch ren n' stimpy...
or drinking consistantly like kids our
age did... we shared capt. n' coke...
it was our favorite...
or we'd kinda giggle about the fact that his
birthday was the 9th... and mine was the
11th... and how cool it was to both be
capricorns....
and all that fucking lame shit... that accompanies
bullshit first romances...
things you think last forever because you
are too naive to know the difference...
and he ruined me....
not in the sense that i can't be held accountable
for my own choices... in the things i've
done in that time and today...
but he ruined a big chunk o' me that i don't
think i could ever mend... as it is obvious
by the stumbling in my breath when i saw
his pic....
... that fucking cocksucker...
i could spend a good, long post on the bad shit....
the kinda things you wouldn't imagine a
person would do to another....
the deeply-scarring things that you hear
about or experience in a moment of pure
ignorance... one big mistake....
the biggest mistake being the lack of dignity....
... on his part.
like a typical male... to turn tail when it
was boring or quiet or useless..... ?
upon one of the many times he entered my
life again, after a bout of time in which
i sincerely believed he'd never return,
he said that i had been the albatross tied
around his neck....
<font face="times new roman" size="2">(for anyone seeking information on this analogy, be sure to read
the WONDERFUL poem: THE RIME OF THE ANCIENT MARINER
by samuel coleridge -- or click HERE to read it online)</font>
... and it was true.... i had been the albatross...
-- a perfect analogy --
but in his supreme intellect, did he learn
from that source he so freely dubbed???
did he learn the lesson of the albatross???
no.
i read upon his profile... the words that
seemed to mock me... even after all this time...
no roots... no strings... no problems
...........
and there he sits....
forever encased in that shitty uniform...
with that shitty half-gleam smile...
looking like a big fucking DORK...
for all those years.....
and it just makes me wonder....
i really stop and wonder....
just how would the mariner feel if he heard
a note coming from the albatross...
after all these years?
<font color="#000000">.
.
.
.
.</font>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Tempus Sans ITC, Tahoma">spoiler (click to view):</font><hr size="1"><div class="spoiler" id="MJCK9W"></div><hr size="1"></blockquote>
oh... and i feel it important to note, before
anyone goes 'there... this is not aaron colaianni,
the guy i had sex with for the very first time...
ive done that
wow.
lemme ask you...
is that him?
I think everyone has that first "love" that they would do anything for...but I don't think everyone's treated them like shit. My first love I seriously would have done whatever it would take to make him happy, and for a while we were happy and he treated me really well. Did little things that just made a dark cloudy day seem sunny and warm. But nothing he had ever done in the past could even start to make upf or how things ended between us. I know now though, I loved more the way he made me feel than I did him, however looking back, I it still hurts the way things went down. I haven't really gotten close to many people since then. It's hard to do when the one person you think could never hurt you hurts you more than anyone else ever has.
Mind you I don't blame him for my problems, I have always had bad luck with men in my life starting with my father. I just have a wall up all the time that prevents me from getting hurt...funny how that same wall keeps out love.
I've done that many times with a guy who I would have died for, cried for, lied for. I simply adored him, loved him with all I had and could posess. I worshiped that man. truly, my first love. Not the first guy I had sex, there were some before him but he was the first one I loved. I would cry while praying everynight saying Oh god just please bring us together, let him be mine, bring us together, let him love me as much as I love him"....I mean I would just pray my ass off.
I LOVED that man! Sometimes I still look up his name just to see if I can find him just to see how he is doing now, is he married now, have kids? Just those kind of things. He and I were the best of friends, only slept together once! He never hurt me, cheated on me. I was sssooo in love. Lat I heard he was living in San Diego California.
But I'm glad we didn't hook up. I might not have ever met Rich, whom I was suppose to be with and he IS my soul mate, my other half. Things worked out the way they were suppose to.
The guy you ask.......well his name was Brooks R. Smith. He was goregous though. Tall, 6'1, blonde hair, the bluest eyes you ever did see. Like Garth Brooks blue eyes! God he was goregous! Oh well kay sarra sarra!
good posts guys.
honestly... when i wrote all that mess last night,
i guess i was just in a ramble. its weird but
sometimes this board... i forget others post here,
and i just say everything i'm thinking --
it doesn't happen alot, but it does happen.
i guess first loves are a blessing in disguise...
it has to come to an end... otherwise you'd have
nothing more than an ONLY love... and what good
is that??? (Hmmmmm...)
i guess i'm just saying that when i posted this,
there was more emotion than an attempt to start
a new topic.... and i like the replies... makes
me remember i'm not alone... *feels gay*
and tg....
<font size="4" face="Tempus Sans ITC, Tahoma">huh?!?!?Originally posted by TastinGood:
wow.
lemme ask you...
is that him?
i'm not sure what you mean
thats him.... er.... for real
He sure does remind me of someone.. [img]graemlins/wonder.gif[/img]
aye....
but as far as writing... my first instinct was
to send an email... but based on his (i guess it
was his) navy page... he said he was going to
board ship in december and then 'go to a law
school in the south'... so i wonder if now is
a good time.
maybe you know, blazey.... what does 'board ship'
mean?? i mean, i KNOW what that means literally,
butta... well i guess you wouldn't know....
i just wonder how long he would be there and if
he would receive internet access or if i shouldn't
and just blow him off....
although i will admit.... it would be fun to
send a little note... [img]graemlins/devil.gif[/img]
Posting Permissions
Bookmarks